i am mining for desire under layers of guilt, conditioning, and weeds.
like the quartz my brother patiently dug for in our backyard
where we grew up wild,
we grew up behind fences
where i was taught the lord would give me the desires of my heart
what about that
if only I knew what I desired
if only i’d payed attention
i’m not jealous of your body
but i am possessive of your mind
there’s a red button that i’m pressing so you’ll think of me again & again
it’s the reason i text, and
i don’t worry about who else you’ve had sex with
but who else have you told the story of you falling in the rain and breaking your glasses?
the stories unravel slow
the name of another ex drips from your mouth
and i add it to the list i recite in the shower
under my breath
with the reverence i once reserved for prayer
i am the last
i’m their descendant.
i want to be a teenager again, but this time i want to be a teenage boy
i want to be indulgent and not know it
(pure dick swinging importance)
i want to believe in myself that much
and in the validity of my emotions, their permanence,
i want to walk around in my basketball shorts holding up my desire like a flag
to be young in the world without hate
to be in a body that i don’t hate
access to yourself isn’t a ladder
every layer connects to the center
find an open door, and go in.
my stomach hurts when i’m not with you
the walls vibrate and growl
and my skin itches
desire keeps me up all night and i resent it
i used to be able to go anywhere and forget the people i loved
and through that forgetting, also forget myself
it’s what i thought of as freedom.
now, you are spilling out past the bounds of your body and breaking the walls of my cells,
infusing my brain with chemicals,
and because of this everything in myself gains weight and mass,
refuses to be left,
cannot be kept quiet.
my desires are uncomplicated
you and I in the same room.
my fears show up unexpectedly
a troop of girl scouts at my door
they have sharp teeth and fragile skin
the price is high,
i let them in
i pour them glasses of lemonade
and brush their hair
it’s all i have to give.